You know, I miss the stars. I really do.

It's funny, because every single night I open the door, go out into the backyard, and I gaze up at the stars until I'm dizzy. And every single night I lay on my bed with my neck turned in the most awkward way, just so I can count every single star. And whenever I'm outside, walking around at night, I'm looking up at them until I walk into something and almost fall.

But somehow I still just... miss them, you know? They haven't been able to amaze me quite as much, or maybe it's just the comfort I need. But it's just me, I know it.

You know, lately I've been really touchy. I've been really distant from everything, including myself, all day long. Totally out of it.

And I feel like shit and cry or whatever if someone says no about something dumb, or when they try to bug me. Everything is just...getting to me.

I've felt so rejected. And in my head it's like "Shut the fuck up Brittani. You're trying and they're assholes." But then there's this feeling that just goes through my body and makes me feel...like I'm nothing. Like someone can just say "No thanks" as if they're just saying they don't want sugar in their coffee. And I know I'm more than that.

You know, I like some coffee with my sugar.

So it's just like...I'm emotional. I get it. What the fuck. But I'm really not THAT emotional. Usually when I say emotional I just mean sad and sensitive, but lately I've just been really strong minded.

I babysat today. I cried for a bit during. He was crying, for like 20 minutes for absolutely no reason...and I just started crying. I wasn't bawling or sobbing freakishly or anything like that. Just a few tears and me telling myself to pull it together.

I wasn't crying because the baby was crying. Gosh no. It's just been...a tough day. And at the moments I just want someone there beside me, they aren't. They can't. They won't. That just really got to me. I'm craving to just BE around humans. I don't even care anymore. As long as they have a heartbeat and know english, I'll talk my heart out to them. And that's NOT like me.

I'm the type who can't think of anything to say when I'm around people, and my mind goes blank, and I don't even try to talk. But recently I'm trying to talk...because it IS a person.

I dunno where I'm going with this. I'm so tired. So...out of it. So gone with the stars.

So whatever. I won't bore you. I might go sleep. Or something. I kinda had a story idea, but I don't know. I'll give it a shot maybe, or work it out in my dreams.

I got your notes, and your comments, I just need to get in the mindset of replying. I think that part of me is broken tonight.

I love you more than the stars, the moon, the universe, the dumb little rocks and debris, all of that junk. It's nothing compared to how much you rock.

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